Looking forward to life ahead ...

Now that I believe the worst period is past and having hurt one of my best friends (who I believed was a best friend, no longer sure now), all I can say I am being optimistic. I am looking forward to life ahead ... the summer semester seems to be going well thankfully inspite of all these stupid emotional interruptions.

I actually had indeed become studious ... can not believe it myself! That is such a wonderful thing.

Surprises all the way!!

You know there are times when you wonder about the people you think you know so well, do I really know them? I am kind of faced with this situation and now wonder did I really make such a poor choice in friends? Well, I really dont know ... am stumped as to what to do ...

Why is it that people always want to take something and never return it ... be it emotional support, or material things or whatever? Where do they disappear when you need them the most and they are aware of it ... sometimes it makes me sick! I dont know what to believe ... whether to really believe that they did indeed do what they did or believe that all that happened was as it happened - a big goof up somehow.

My heart speaks out with pain!!

That I want thee, only thee -
let my heart repeat without end.
All desires that distract me, day and night,
are false and empty to the core.

As these nights keep hidden in its gloom
the petition for light, even thus in the depth
of my unconsciousness rings the cry -
I want thee, only thee.

As the storm still seeks its end in peace
when it strikes against peace with all its might,
even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love
and still its cry is - I want thee, only thee.


Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore.

Trouble period ahead!!

Hmmm ... I always wonder am I a bad person or is it just that I can not do things properly? The girl I loved seems to be back with a vengence!! I wonder why I have to go through this crap every time ... for no fault of mine ... or is it my fault that I love her so much and care for her beyond anything else in this world. I don’t know - I guess I am one of those people who don’t know how to handle emotions and women. When am I going to learn?

I am not pitying myself ... am just feeling sorry that I am too good for the people I love or is it that I am not good enough that every time I fall for someone they would hurt me and leave ... making me think that I am of not good enough for them. Am I really that bad? Somehow I know that is not the case ... maybe it is because I love and care for them so much that they can not bear the fact that someone loves them so much and are so scared to accept the fact because they are afraid that I may stop loving them after a while. I don’t know ... I wish I was Mr. Know-all but then I guess the fun of life would be lost.

I read a one liner today ... "Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?". I wonder will I say that it was worth living this life at end of it? If I can say that life's been wonderful and given a chance, if I chose to live again, then I would say my life has been worth it. I hope I won’t feel that I am wasting my life on something meaningless.

Why are people so afraid of love? Why do they run away from someone who loves and cares for them beyond anything in the world? When they know that we would die for them? I don’t know ... I guess I will never find out now. I am kind of tired now ... I still believe in love ... it is just that I don’t believe in women any more or rather the fact that they can love too ... I guess I am getting too old and cynical!

Well, for those randomly reading this page and wondering what the heck is this person blabbering on about and for the record ... I have done stupid thing. I spoke to my ex ... may that is not the correct word for it. I loved her and was led to believe that she loves me (maybe I should say it is possible that I led myself to believe that) and then she gets engaged to a guy that her dad wants her to marry. I don’t know what to call such a person ... so I am calling her ex. I happened to break the sacred oath of not speaking to exs' and that is the root cause of the problem. For this unspeakable crime that I committed, I am now unable to get on with my life ... I just don’t want things to be this way ... I lose control of it when I am not able to do anything about it ... She calls me and tells me something like that she does not like the way things are happening in her life and that she does not want to marry the person she is engaged to. I am the one who to has to convince her that things are alright and that she has to marry him and blah blah blah ... I want to kill myself ... she said she thought she could live with this but now she realizes that she is not able to ... on top of it she adds that she is not sure of what she wants. What am I supposed to tell her?

So I ended up giving her a prep talk about what she is supposed to and how good things are in her life and so on ... and all the while I could think of and feel is my love for her and how much I wanted to be with her ... hold her hand ... kiss her ... hug her ... what stupid idiot I am!

I read once in a short story, which happened to be a lesson for us in the high school, "Love is the privilege of the rich not the profession of the poor" ... how true it is. I hope to god and pray with all I have left in me that I never fall in love again.

One of my favourite songs from a favourite movie

She

May be the face I can't forget

The trace of pleasure or regret

May be my treasure or the price I have to pay

She

May be the song that summer sings

May be the chill that autumn brings

May be a hundred different things

Within the measure of a day

She

May be the beauty or the beast

May be the famine or the feast

May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She may be the mirror of my dreams

The smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem

Inside her shell

She

Who always seems so happy in a crowd

Whose eyes can be so private and so proud

No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She

May be the love that cannot hope to last

May come to me from shadows of the past

That I'll remember till the day I die

She

May be the reason I survive

The why and wherefore I'm alive

The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years

Me

I'll take her laughter and her tears

And make them all my souvenirs

For where she goes I've got to be

The meaning of my life is

She

She, oh she

Life ... a never ending journey!

Life - always wondered what it would be like to be on the death-bed and on looking back, would I say "its been a wonderful life"? If that happens, I would be very satisfied with my life. I wonder how life will turn out ... I guess it is just matter of time before everything is revealed.

Love!

The most hated and loved word in the word – love – I don’t know why it is so important for some and not at all for others. Most of the blogs also have lots of stuff about this four letter word. Whenever I think of this, the one thing that immediately comes to my mind as a synonym is pain – as suggested by a good friend of mine. I did not believe it when he initially told me that about 5 to 6 years back. I thought he was kidding but life has thought me with its irony that he was true. Whenever you fall in love you prepare to get rejected, get hurt, trampled on and discarded like used tissue. You end up being cynical about everything and questioning everything.

At the same time it is not so bad. When you are love it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. You would not be intimidated by anything in life and everything can be achieved – nothing is impossible at that time. You would ready to anything for your sweetheart. Nothing is too much to do for the beloved. Then why is it that many people break up, many people who love each other don’t get married, and married people divorce each other? Makes you wonder doesn’t it?

Something that gives me courage and strength

The poem below is written by Rudyard Kipling, one of the famous authors known for his short stories, the most famous being "The Jungle Book". He also wrote a few poems too - guess what, he was in Bombay most of his life. I believe he was born and brought up here. This poem was written for his son who lost his life in a war. He based it on the character of his son whom he loved and came to respect.

Though it is based on a person's character, I think that this tells us how a person should behave in most of the situations that life brings us across. It teaches a lot about life and how we can be face it. It always gives me strength - whenever I am in pain or sorrow, I think about this and these lines give me the strength need to go on living and with pride!

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

-- Rudyard Kipling

I am just adding a picture of myself so that the world can get to know the one and only kkchaitu ... take a good look!!

First steps in wonderland ... feels like I am following a white rabbit!!

Welcome to myself to the new world (for me!!) ... I had read many blogs so far ... and all I could think of while reading them was I should have my own ... and that thought finally saw the day today!!! Had it not been for a good friend of mine (who would want her to be called Sushma, but I would prefer to call her Vani!! - hope she is not going to scream at me if and when she reads this ...), I would have never done this. I just happened to create this for putting comments in her blog :P ... but yet I feel that I can use to put my thoughts, fears, feelings, sadness, happiness into this without fear of being misunderstood or ... etc (leaving it to your (wild) imaginations) ...