Trouble period ahead!!

Hmmm ... I always wonder am I a bad person or is it just that I can not do things properly? The girl I loved seems to be back with a vengence!! I wonder why I have to go through this crap every time ... for no fault of mine ... or is it my fault that I love her so much and care for her beyond anything else in this world. I don’t know - I guess I am one of those people who don’t know how to handle emotions and women. When am I going to learn?

I am not pitying myself ... am just feeling sorry that I am too good for the people I love or is it that I am not good enough that every time I fall for someone they would hurt me and leave ... making me think that I am of not good enough for them. Am I really that bad? Somehow I know that is not the case ... maybe it is because I love and care for them so much that they can not bear the fact that someone loves them so much and are so scared to accept the fact because they are afraid that I may stop loving them after a while. I don’t know ... I wish I was Mr. Know-all but then I guess the fun of life would be lost.

I read a one liner today ... "Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?". I wonder will I say that it was worth living this life at end of it? If I can say that life's been wonderful and given a chance, if I chose to live again, then I would say my life has been worth it. I hope I won’t feel that I am wasting my life on something meaningless.

Why are people so afraid of love? Why do they run away from someone who loves and cares for them beyond anything in the world? When they know that we would die for them? I don’t know ... I guess I will never find out now. I am kind of tired now ... I still believe in love ... it is just that I don’t believe in women any more or rather the fact that they can love too ... I guess I am getting too old and cynical!

Well, for those randomly reading this page and wondering what the heck is this person blabbering on about and for the record ... I have done stupid thing. I spoke to my ex ... may that is not the correct word for it. I loved her and was led to believe that she loves me (maybe I should say it is possible that I led myself to believe that) and then she gets engaged to a guy that her dad wants her to marry. I don’t know what to call such a person ... so I am calling her ex. I happened to break the sacred oath of not speaking to exs' and that is the root cause of the problem. For this unspeakable crime that I committed, I am now unable to get on with my life ... I just don’t want things to be this way ... I lose control of it when I am not able to do anything about it ... She calls me and tells me something like that she does not like the way things are happening in her life and that she does not want to marry the person she is engaged to. I am the one who to has to convince her that things are alright and that she has to marry him and blah blah blah ... I want to kill myself ... she said she thought she could live with this but now she realizes that she is not able to ... on top of it she adds that she is not sure of what she wants. What am I supposed to tell her?

So I ended up giving her a prep talk about what she is supposed to and how good things are in her life and so on ... and all the while I could think of and feel is my love for her and how much I wanted to be with her ... hold her hand ... kiss her ... hug her ... what stupid idiot I am!

I read once in a short story, which happened to be a lesson for us in the high school, "Love is the privilege of the rich not the profession of the poor" ... how true it is. I hope to god and pray with all I have left in me that I never fall in love again.