First motorcycle ride in US ...

Its been a great experience ... my sweet bike!! I went out with my friend Krishna Mohan - he was taking me out ... to allow me to get used to driving and be comfortable. It was fun ... we were driving for more than hour ... and in a way it was huge pain too - with the gear and all ... It was so painful using the gloves, helmet and the jacket - the jacket weighs quite a lot and my hand was aching from changing the gear (using the clutch) and the wind was too strong along with the fact that I feel like I am being thrown off the bike (those speeds) - the engine did not have to be reved beyond 3000 rpm - the helmets fogs from my breath at every signal that I stop at ... all in all inspite of all these it was an enjoyable experience. I loved it and the good thing to this is that I am kind of comfortable with the bike. The clutch seems to have some play and I was stopping the bike at almost every singal ... it was very bad - could be the clutch or the gloves that is preventing me from doing it right. Hope I can get this right from the next time I ride with the bike and all ... I am planning to take it out to office on Tuesday - lets see how that goes. Also I need to get the lowjack and alarm system installed - have to get an appointment and see when I can get that done. At the end of the day, I had to drive to San Jose - my hands were aching and I was very tired too ... but I made it safely a little before one in the wee hours.

Life and lonliness ...

Hmmm ... this is one thing I can go on and on for hours. I dont know where to start. I see people everyday that are so busy doing things that they think are so important and only time will show them how important they are ... or is that just me. I somehow happen to think that the whole word is so screwed up or rather the people have different priorites.

Nowadays honesty, honor, integrity etc dont seem to hold any water. All that people can think of is how can I get something out of this? I dont know how people end up that way - I mean when they are kids, they are not so selfish nor mean, which basically means that something went wrong or rather people have had some experiences which made them the way they are. I may be wrong in this conclusion, but I dont believe so.

Coming to me, I am always lonely - I dont know why. I mean I have friends and know quite a few people but I miss only a few of them. I get attached to them and I need to talk to them very frequently, know what is going on in their life so on and so forth. I dont know why but that is a huge requirement for me - I just can not be without doing that. But then what is wrong in showing that you need them or in other words being needy? Well, everyone needs something to keep them going forward in their lives - for some it is money, for some it is their jobs, for some it is the opinion that public has of them and so on ... for me it is the people around me and the people that touch my heart. You might questions me - what of your parents? They are always part of my life and I dont think I can live even for a few minutes without them. It is just that I dont express the need for them and my sister ... I always wondered why? Why is it that I look for other people's love and affection when I can get all that from my family. I guess I will have to find an answer for that soon enough ...

Isn't my latest love amazing!! :D

I just can not wait to ride that baby! I wonder how the first impression would be ... I did sit on it and then put it in the garage but then that is not sufficient for a first impression. I am waiting to cut a deal on my insurance policy and then have to wait until my gear arrives - :(( - then ride it.

Since I will be travelling this weekend and the week after that I doubt if I will get to ride the motorcycle this year. Keeping my fingers crossed ...

Latest addition to my long list of loves!

Some of the stupidest things that I have done recently ...

Well, to be frank that will be an endless list ... I dont think I would even want to think of all those things!!

The most dumb thing I have done recently is what I want to write about now ... this will decide how my life will be in the next few years I guess - that is finanically. I may have to file for bankruptcy though I hope not. Well, what I did was go and buy a bike for almost US $20K. Can there be a more dumb person than me. I know that this alone does not look so dumb, that is buying a bike. But combine that fact with other facts like I am student and I have a car that is financed. Well, now you can claim that I am on my internship and that paying off that amount should not be a problem - well, I would hardly say you are wrong. But then the situation drastically changes when another fact is added to the already existing ones - that is I will be going back to school for another 6 months and I will most likely have no financial aid. Which basically means I will need to pay the tution in full and also pay for my living expenses along with the car, bike, their insurances and also anything else that might come up - now I guess you will be nodding your head in agreement with me. Also, I guess the foremost question in your head at this point will be why did you do this when you were aware of all this?

Hmmm ... that will be hard to answer. I was checking out the prices for the bike and fell prey to the sales man ... not his fault - entirely mine to have been so foolish. I will now cherish this experience for the rest of my life, one that will not be forgotten so easily. I dont think I will ever be in a hurry to sign any documents now :D. Anyways, now that I am stuck with the bike I will enjoy it to the full. I ordered a jacket, helmet and gloves. Bought the security system for my bike and a device called lowjack ... have to get them installed. After getting my license, will take the bike out for a spin as well as install all these safety devices. All I am thinking is this happened for a reason and I happen to be a firm believer of all that happens happens for my own good. I guess this is a lesson that will help me a lot when I start my own company. Anyways good luck to me and my bike.

What happened after the last post was half way through ...

Well, lots of things happened after the last post! For starters, I fell sick (caught something called Cold sores or in medical terms, known as Oral Herpes) and I had to stay at home since I was not in a position to do anything other than put up with the pain. To top it off, it was a contagious disease and I could not goto the office the next week, after the worst was over. So on the whole, life for that two weeks was the boring part in San Diego. Now looking back the previous post seems to a pun on me!!

Then I changed projects and the usual stupid stuff happened when you change projects - the old project guys dont want you to leave since they can not find someone to replace you and the new project guys except you to work in their project full time. It was a time of great mess and everything got topsy turvy!! Now that I have successfully got past that stage, the current project seems enough to kill me. I dont know how I will get past the next few months.

Inspite of all this, I cleared the Basic Rider course so that I can get a motorcycle license now. All I need to do now is clear the written test and voila - I will hold a permit for riding a motorcycle. Then I managed to lose my chocolate (for those wondering what it is, it my new cell phone). I was off the network for more than a week - so I got an old cell from a friend since the ones I liked are too pricey for me - not that I dont want to buy them, but am scared I might lose them again :D). Singing off now ... will be back. Lots to scribble ... :D

Helloooo .... San Diego ..... here I come!!!

Hiiiii allll ..... it is in the middle of the night ... and I am still awake ... wondering about a quite a few things ... hmmm ... not the way to start the blog that I titled the way I did I guess. Too many Is' in the sentence before ... :D ... am correcting myself .... :D

Anyways, lets keep the serious stuff aside for a minute and lets talk about me and what I did in San Diego ... not that it is a great lot that I had been doing or rather I should say that there is great lot that I wanted to do and have not done .... :P

A long time ... miss me???

Hey all ... how are you doing??? Its been a while ... I know ... dont be mad! I am real sorry but could not help it. Not that I dont want to blog but just that there were so many things that needed taking care of ... and I did not have the time to do this.

Well, now that i am back, I am making a promise. I will be doing this quite regularly. I am keeping my fingers crossed so that this is not a promise that I will break. (Note: The promise I am making here is that I will be blogging quite regularly - not that I will be regularly away from it! :P) I have quite a bit of things to add ... There was this long drive (more than 1500 miles) from College Station, Texas to San Diego, California - wondering why?? The reason for this seemingly crazy act of mine is that I have been offerred an internship position in QUALCOMM - the one and only company that develops and markets CDMA technology. I am happy to be here but at the same time, it leaves me wondering did I really make a good decision??? Now ... now ... I know that only time can show whether its a good one or not ... it is just that nagging thought at the end of your brain that keeps bothering me. But all in all, I intend to have all the while I am here ... lets see how it goes ... :D. Well ... am sleepy ... so cya tomorrow ... have to a lot to tell you!!

Dangerous situation ...

I had spoken with my family last night and I am happy that I spoke with them. Things are kind of getting back to normal and I think that they will be fine after a few days. It is the intership that I want settled. Either I am going or I am not going - I dont like this indecisive state as I am not able to proceed with my life as usual.

Anyways, for those who might be reading this blog, the last post might have been too cryptic. Well, to clarify, I happened to meet a woman - in that itself, it is not too significant as I have been meeting too many. But the problem lies in the fact that she is exactly the kind of women I would chase or rather fall for heavily and be thrown out in the exact position I never want to be in. What is this with me? How come I happen to choose the exact kind of women all the time to fall for .... ???? Am I sick or something? I dont know ... the problem is I think that I have fallen for her and that too hard. I am praying that I get the internship and get the hell out of CS. I no longer have the courage it takes to be in love or rather I dont want to have the courage it takes. I am afraid that things will not be any different either. Why do I have to do all the stupid things again? Why do I have to get into those tight spots in life? Why can I not be away from things like these? When will I ever learn?

To top this off, she is a namesake of someone from the past ... seems like a million years ago but it is hardly more than 5 years. I can already see how my future is going to be. I wish I have what it takes to make sure that things dont go the same way as in the past. God help me!

An apt end to my short lived public life!

It is been a while again ... as usual there were too many things going on and I was trying to get into everything possible. I dont know how things worked out but I guess things are going to be ok ... at least I hope so.

Continuing from where I left off ... the company HR has not responded for more than a week - I sent out a stinging mail yesterday and then she called up. Why do people have to wait until things are going real bad or they are not good at all? Why can not they do it when they can do it properly without creating too much mess? I guess too much s*** in life that people end up being that way right from childhood and they dont change. Or maybe I dont have my priorities right. I dont know - am waiting eagerly to see how my life will turn out. [:D]

I have not spoken to my family or friends for a long time ... I am now almost getting back to my normal life after a brief stint in the spotlight. I dont know if I am glad that I am doing this or I would rather be in the limelight. I guess I have a lot of soul searching to do. I somehow ended up taking the responsibility of the new people and to see that they get what they need and they meet at least a few seniors here in CS so that they have someone to ask advice or make friends. I dont know how far I was successful but people have gone ahead to make it a great success (at least in my opinion). I am happy about it and now am free of all that. There is nothing more that I have to do.

Now that my short lived public life has ended, I am trying to piece my life back. I dont know if I will be able to make it to San Diego or not but I really hope that I can. That would be a wonderful thing to happen to me at least. I will be away from here and all the devils that have been sitting on my head will not have much chance to pester me [:D]. Hope that I can handle all the devils without too many problems, but knowing myself I am scared s******* and I hope that things dont get screwed up. I dont want history repeating itself in any form or anything that would take a new path but with the same result.

Long time ... too many things happened!

Exams are done ... met a lot of new people, I suppose I can say that I made a lot of friends, but I really dont know how many of them would consider themselves my friends. I had pestered quite a few of them and I really dont know how many of them even like to me talk to me [:D].

Since it is been a long time since I wrote anything, there has been quite many things that happened. One of them, the most sad thing I heard was that Priya's dad passed away. She called me up one day while I was sleeping - I spoke with her for a while and I did not know what to say. She was crying all the while and I did not know how to comfort her. I dont know if I was able to even reduce her pain by even a little - it is so painful to see someone you love in pain and acknowledge the fact that there is nothing you can do to reduce the pain. I spoke with her again the next day - atleast then I hope I did speak something sensible. I just hope that she gets over it and she will be happy with her husband and her new family. The worst part was being aware that there is nothing I can do about it and watch her go through the pain. I pray that no one I know will have to go through such pain.

Last week had been the last days at my old apartment - though I dont like the place nor my ex-roomies, that was the first place I stayed at in College Station and as such it has too many memories for me to get over it so quickly. Most of the time was spent in packing, shifting, buying stuff for the new place. I ended up cleaning the old place - it was such a pain but I am happy that I am done with the place and people. The best part of the whole moving thing was that I got to know my new roomies much better. I know that I can trust one guy and not trust the other guy. At least I am sure I would not trust him with anything important. Can not throw him out of the place since the other guy promised his parents that they would put with the crap that he does and take care of him. Well, I decided to put up with him and if I happen to feel that I can change him then maybe I will do try to do so.

The new place is not completely settled in - have to unpack a lot of stuff and this is where I am in a dilema. I have been offered an internship position but they have not yet sent me the offer letter. Will be continued ...

There is a lot more ...

Life experiences in the last few days have been so different ... never in my life had I seen this side of myself! I am surprised at the things that I have done and at things I am doing. There is so much I want to write before I forget it ... so much about how wonderful life has become once you get past the pain and come to a normal state.

Like my best friend Paavan said, another love story had begun a couple of months ago - the date is May 26th, 2006. The lover is my brand new Nissan Xterra! I am proud to say that I had found another love of my life. One of them earlier was the Bajaj Pulsar - a bike I would love to ride anyday even now. I spent three years with it and never regretted it. Sad to say that I had to move or rather she did too (though it is supposed to be a he, it is a she to me always [:D]). Maybe one day we will be back [:)]. Till then dear ... until then my brand new love ... a lot more to follow on a lot of things as soon my exams are done ... that is 5 days from now. Till then ...

Farewell dear!

One of my best freinds (who I thought would always be my best friend and with me no matter what!) has decided to move on and I dont know what to say except, I understand and wish her good luck and wonderful life ahead. I will always remember you and you will always remain the same no matter what problems, quarrels (etc, etc, ...) we have. After having said and done all that I wanted and felt, the bottom line is nothing has changed for me. Nothing will!

Have a wonderful life my dear.

Looking forward to life ahead ...

Now that I believe the worst period is past and having hurt one of my best friends (who I believed was a best friend, no longer sure now), all I can say I am being optimistic. I am looking forward to life ahead ... the summer semester seems to be going well thankfully inspite of all these stupid emotional interruptions.

I actually had indeed become studious ... can not believe it myself! That is such a wonderful thing.

Surprises all the way!!

You know there are times when you wonder about the people you think you know so well, do I really know them? I am kind of faced with this situation and now wonder did I really make such a poor choice in friends? Well, I really dont know ... am stumped as to what to do ...

Why is it that people always want to take something and never return it ... be it emotional support, or material things or whatever? Where do they disappear when you need them the most and they are aware of it ... sometimes it makes me sick! I dont know what to believe ... whether to really believe that they did indeed do what they did or believe that all that happened was as it happened - a big goof up somehow.

My heart speaks out with pain!!

That I want thee, only thee -
let my heart repeat without end.
All desires that distract me, day and night,
are false and empty to the core.

As these nights keep hidden in its gloom
the petition for light, even thus in the depth
of my unconsciousness rings the cry -
I want thee, only thee.

As the storm still seeks its end in peace
when it strikes against peace with all its might,
even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love
and still its cry is - I want thee, only thee.


Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore.

Trouble period ahead!!

Hmmm ... I always wonder am I a bad person or is it just that I can not do things properly? The girl I loved seems to be back with a vengence!! I wonder why I have to go through this crap every time ... for no fault of mine ... or is it my fault that I love her so much and care for her beyond anything else in this world. I don’t know - I guess I am one of those people who don’t know how to handle emotions and women. When am I going to learn?

I am not pitying myself ... am just feeling sorry that I am too good for the people I love or is it that I am not good enough that every time I fall for someone they would hurt me and leave ... making me think that I am of not good enough for them. Am I really that bad? Somehow I know that is not the case ... maybe it is because I love and care for them so much that they can not bear the fact that someone loves them so much and are so scared to accept the fact because they are afraid that I may stop loving them after a while. I don’t know ... I wish I was Mr. Know-all but then I guess the fun of life would be lost.

I read a one liner today ... "Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?". I wonder will I say that it was worth living this life at end of it? If I can say that life's been wonderful and given a chance, if I chose to live again, then I would say my life has been worth it. I hope I won’t feel that I am wasting my life on something meaningless.

Why are people so afraid of love? Why do they run away from someone who loves and cares for them beyond anything in the world? When they know that we would die for them? I don’t know ... I guess I will never find out now. I am kind of tired now ... I still believe in love ... it is just that I don’t believe in women any more or rather the fact that they can love too ... I guess I am getting too old and cynical!

Well, for those randomly reading this page and wondering what the heck is this person blabbering on about and for the record ... I have done stupid thing. I spoke to my ex ... may that is not the correct word for it. I loved her and was led to believe that she loves me (maybe I should say it is possible that I led myself to believe that) and then she gets engaged to a guy that her dad wants her to marry. I don’t know what to call such a person ... so I am calling her ex. I happened to break the sacred oath of not speaking to exs' and that is the root cause of the problem. For this unspeakable crime that I committed, I am now unable to get on with my life ... I just don’t want things to be this way ... I lose control of it when I am not able to do anything about it ... She calls me and tells me something like that she does not like the way things are happening in her life and that she does not want to marry the person she is engaged to. I am the one who to has to convince her that things are alright and that she has to marry him and blah blah blah ... I want to kill myself ... she said she thought she could live with this but now she realizes that she is not able to ... on top of it she adds that she is not sure of what she wants. What am I supposed to tell her?

So I ended up giving her a prep talk about what she is supposed to and how good things are in her life and so on ... and all the while I could think of and feel is my love for her and how much I wanted to be with her ... hold her hand ... kiss her ... hug her ... what stupid idiot I am!

I read once in a short story, which happened to be a lesson for us in the high school, "Love is the privilege of the rich not the profession of the poor" ... how true it is. I hope to god and pray with all I have left in me that I never fall in love again.

One of my favourite songs from a favourite movie

She

May be the face I can't forget

The trace of pleasure or regret

May be my treasure or the price I have to pay

She

May be the song that summer sings

May be the chill that autumn brings

May be a hundred different things

Within the measure of a day

She

May be the beauty or the beast

May be the famine or the feast

May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She may be the mirror of my dreams

The smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem

Inside her shell

She

Who always seems so happy in a crowd

Whose eyes can be so private and so proud

No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She

May be the love that cannot hope to last

May come to me from shadows of the past

That I'll remember till the day I die

She

May be the reason I survive

The why and wherefore I'm alive

The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years

Me

I'll take her laughter and her tears

And make them all my souvenirs

For where she goes I've got to be

The meaning of my life is

She

She, oh she

Life ... a never ending journey!

Life - always wondered what it would be like to be on the death-bed and on looking back, would I say "its been a wonderful life"? If that happens, I would be very satisfied with my life. I wonder how life will turn out ... I guess it is just matter of time before everything is revealed.

Love!

The most hated and loved word in the word – love – I don’t know why it is so important for some and not at all for others. Most of the blogs also have lots of stuff about this four letter word. Whenever I think of this, the one thing that immediately comes to my mind as a synonym is pain – as suggested by a good friend of mine. I did not believe it when he initially told me that about 5 to 6 years back. I thought he was kidding but life has thought me with its irony that he was true. Whenever you fall in love you prepare to get rejected, get hurt, trampled on and discarded like used tissue. You end up being cynical about everything and questioning everything.

At the same time it is not so bad. When you are love it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. You would not be intimidated by anything in life and everything can be achieved – nothing is impossible at that time. You would ready to anything for your sweetheart. Nothing is too much to do for the beloved. Then why is it that many people break up, many people who love each other don’t get married, and married people divorce each other? Makes you wonder doesn’t it?

Something that gives me courage and strength

The poem below is written by Rudyard Kipling, one of the famous authors known for his short stories, the most famous being "The Jungle Book". He also wrote a few poems too - guess what, he was in Bombay most of his life. I believe he was born and brought up here. This poem was written for his son who lost his life in a war. He based it on the character of his son whom he loved and came to respect.

Though it is based on a person's character, I think that this tells us how a person should behave in most of the situations that life brings us across. It teaches a lot about life and how we can be face it. It always gives me strength - whenever I am in pain or sorrow, I think about this and these lines give me the strength need to go on living and with pride!

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

-- Rudyard Kipling

I am just adding a picture of myself so that the world can get to know the one and only kkchaitu ... take a good look!!

First steps in wonderland ... feels like I am following a white rabbit!!

Welcome to myself to the new world (for me!!) ... I had read many blogs so far ... and all I could think of while reading them was I should have my own ... and that thought finally saw the day today!!! Had it not been for a good friend of mine (who would want her to be called Sushma, but I would prefer to call her Vani!! - hope she is not going to scream at me if and when she reads this ...), I would have never done this. I just happened to create this for putting comments in her blog :P ... but yet I feel that I can use to put my thoughts, fears, feelings, sadness, happiness into this without fear of being misunderstood or ... etc (leaving it to your (wild) imaginations) ...