Saturday, December 30, 2006
First motorcycle ride in US ...
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Life and lonliness ...
Nowadays honesty, honor, integrity etc dont seem to hold any water. All that people can think of is how can I get something out of this? I dont know how people end up that way - I mean when they are kids, they are not so selfish nor mean, which basically means that something went wrong or rather people have had some experiences which made them the way they are. I may be wrong in this conclusion, but I dont believe so.
Coming to me, I am always lonely - I dont know why. I mean I have friends and know quite a few people but I miss only a few of them. I get attached to them and I need to talk to them very frequently, know what is going on in their life so on and so forth. I dont know why but that is a huge requirement for me - I just can not be without doing that. But then what is wrong in showing that you need them or in other words being needy? Well, everyone needs something to keep them going forward in their lives - for some it is money, for some it is their jobs, for some it is the opinion that public has of them and so on ... for me it is the people around me and the people that touch my heart. You might questions me - what of your parents? They are always part of my life and I dont think I can live even for a few minutes without them. It is just that I dont express the need for them and my sister ... I always wondered why? Why is it that I look for other people's love and affection when I can get all that from my family. I guess I will have to find an answer for that soon enough ...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Isn't my latest love amazing!! :D
Since I will be travelling this weekend and the week after that I doubt if I will get to ride the motorcycle this year. Keeping my fingers crossed ...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Some of the stupidest things that I have done recently ...
The most dumb thing I have done recently is what I want to write about now ... this will decide how my life will be in the next few years I guess - that is finanically. I may have to file for bankruptcy though I hope not. Well, what I did was go and buy a bike for almost US $20K. Can there be a more dumb person than me. I know that this alone does not look so dumb, that is buying a bike. But combine that fact with other facts like I am student and I have a car that is financed. Well, now you can claim that I am on my internship and that paying off that amount should not be a problem - well, I would hardly say you are wrong. But then the situation drastically changes when another fact is added to the already existing ones - that is I will be going back to school for another 6 months and I will most likely have no financial aid. Which basically means I will need to pay the tution in full and also pay for my living expenses along with the car, bike, their insurances and also anything else that might come up - now I guess you will be nodding your head in agreement with me. Also, I guess the foremost question in your head at this point will be why did you do this when you were aware of all this?
Hmmm ... that will be hard to answer. I was checking out the prices for the bike and fell prey to the sales man ... not his fault - entirely mine to have been so foolish. I will now cherish this experience for the rest of my life, one that will not be forgotten so easily. I dont think I will ever be in a hurry to sign any documents now :D. Anyways, now that I am stuck with the bike I will enjoy it to the full. I ordered a jacket, helmet and gloves. Bought the security system for my bike and a device called lowjack ... have to get them installed. After getting my license, will take the bike out for a spin as well as install all these safety devices. All I am thinking is this happened for a reason and I happen to be a firm believer of all that happens happens for my own good. I guess this is a lesson that will help me a lot when I start my own company. Anyways good luck to me and my bike.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
What happened after the last post was half way through ...
Then I changed projects and the usual stupid stuff happened when you change projects - the old project guys dont want you to leave since they can not find someone to replace you and the new project guys except you to work in their project full time. It was a time of great mess and everything got topsy turvy!! Now that I have successfully got past that stage, the current project seems enough to kill me. I dont know how I will get past the next few months.
Inspite of all this, I cleared the Basic Rider course so that I can get a motorcycle license now. All I need to do now is clear the written test and voila - I will hold a permit for riding a motorcycle. Then I managed to lose my chocolate (for those wondering what it is, it my new cell phone). I was off the network for more than a week - so I got an old cell from a friend since the ones I liked are too pricey for me - not that I dont want to buy them, but am scared I might lose them again :D). Singing off now ... will be back. Lots to scribble ... :D
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Helloooo .... San Diego ..... here I come!!!
Anyways, lets keep the serious stuff aside for a minute and lets talk about me and what I did in San Diego ... not that it is a great lot that I had been doing or rather I should say that there is great lot that I wanted to do and have not done .... :P
Monday, September 25, 2006
A long time ... miss me???
Well, now that i am back, I am making a promise. I will be doing this quite regularly. I am keeping my fingers crossed so that this is not a promise that I will break. (Note: The promise I am making here is that I will be blogging quite regularly - not that I will be regularly away from it! :P) I have quite a bit of things to add ... There was this long drive (more than 1500 miles) from College Station, Texas to San Diego, California - wondering why?? The reason for this seemingly crazy act of mine is that I have been offerred an internship position in QUALCOMM - the one and only company that develops and markets CDMA technology. I am happy to be here but at the same time, it leaves me wondering did I really make a good decision??? Now ... now ... I know that only time can show whether its a good one or not ... it is just that nagging thought at the end of your brain that keeps bothering me. But all in all, I intend to have all the while I am here ... lets see how it goes ... :D. Well ... am sleepy ... so cya tomorrow ... have to a lot to tell you!!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Dangerous situation ...
Anyways, for those who might be reading this blog, the last post might have been too cryptic. Well, to clarify, I happened to meet a woman - in that itself, it is not too significant as I have been meeting too many. But the problem lies in the fact that she is exactly the kind of women I would chase or rather fall for heavily and be thrown out in the exact position I never want to be in. What is this with me? How come I happen to choose the exact kind of women all the time to fall for .... ???? Am I sick or something? I dont know ... the problem is I think that I have fallen for her and that too hard. I am praying that I get the internship and get the hell out of CS. I no longer have the courage it takes to be in love or rather I dont want to have the courage it takes. I am afraid that things will not be any different either. Why do I have to do all the stupid things again? Why do I have to get into those tight spots in life? Why can I not be away from things like these? When will I ever learn?
An apt end to my short lived public life!
Continuing from where I left off ... the company HR has not responded for more than a week - I sent out a stinging mail yesterday and then she called up. Why do people have to wait until things are going real bad or they are not good at all? Why can not they do it when they can do it properly without creating too much mess? I guess too much s*** in life that people end up being that way right from childhood and they dont change. Or maybe I dont have my priorities right. I dont know - am waiting eagerly to see how my life will turn out. [:D]
I have not spoken to my family or friends for a long time ... I am now almost getting back to my normal life after a brief stint in the spotlight. I dont know if I am glad that I am doing this or I would rather be in the limelight. I guess I have a lot of soul searching to do. I somehow ended up taking the responsibility of the new people and to see that they get what they need and they meet at least a few seniors here in CS so that they have someone to ask advice or make friends. I dont know how far I was successful but people have gone ahead to make it a great success (at least in my opinion). I am happy about it and now am free of all that. There is nothing more that I have to do.
Now that my short lived public life has ended, I am trying to piece my life back. I dont know if I will be able to make it to San Diego or not but I really hope that I can. That would be a wonderful thing to happen to me at least. I will be away from here and all the devils that have been sitting on my head will not have much chance to pester me [:D]. Hope that I can handle all the devils without too many problems, but knowing myself I am scared s******* and I hope that things dont get screwed up. I dont want history repeating itself in any form or anything that would take a new path but with the same result.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Long time ... too many things happened!
Since it is been a long time since I wrote anything, there has been quite many things that happened. One of them, the most sad thing I heard was that Priya's dad passed away. She called me up one day while I was sleeping - I spoke with her for a while and I did not know what to say. She was crying all the while and I did not know how to comfort her. I dont know if I was able to even reduce her pain by even a little - it is so painful to see someone you love in pain and acknowledge the fact that there is nothing you can do to reduce the pain. I spoke with her again the next day - atleast then I hope I did speak something sensible. I just hope that she gets over it and she will be happy with her husband and her new family. The worst part was being aware that there is nothing I can do about it and watch her go through the pain. I pray that no one I know will have to go through such pain.
Last week had been the last days at my old apartment - though I dont like the place nor my ex-roomies, that was the first place I stayed at in College Station and as such it has too many memories for me to get over it so quickly. Most of the time was spent in packing, shifting, buying stuff for the new place. I ended up cleaning the old place - it was such a pain but I am happy that I am done with the place and people. The best part of the whole moving thing was that I got to know my new roomies much better. I know that I can trust one guy and not trust the other guy. At least I am sure I would not trust him with anything important. Can not throw him out of the place since the other guy promised his parents that they would put with the crap that he does and take care of him. Well, I decided to put up with him and if I happen to feel that I can change him then maybe I will do try to do so.
The new place is not completely settled in - have to unpack a lot of stuff and this is where I am in a dilema. I have been offered an internship position but they have not yet sent me the offer letter. Will be continued ...
Friday, August 04, 2006
There is a lot more ...
Like my best friend Paavan said, another love story had begun a couple of months ago - the date is May 26th, 2006. The lover is my brand new Nissan Xterra! I am proud to say that I had found another love of my life. One of them earlier was the Bajaj Pulsar - a bike I would love to ride anyday even now. I spent three years with it and never regretted it. Sad to say that I had to move or rather she did too (though it is supposed to be a he, it is a she to me always [:D]). Maybe one day we will be back [:)]. Till then dear ... until then my brand new love ... a lot more to follow on a lot of things as soon my exams are done ... that is 5 days from now. Till then ...
Farewell dear!
Have a wonderful life my dear.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Looking forward to life ahead ...
Surprises all the way!!
Why is it that people always want to take something and never return it ... be it emotional support, or material things or whatever? Where do they disappear when you need them the most and they are aware of it ... sometimes it makes me sick! I dont know what to believe ... whether to really believe that they did indeed do what they did or believe that all that happened was as it happened - a big goof up somehow.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
My heart speaks out with pain!!
let my heart repeat without end.
All desires that distract me, day and night,
are false and empty to the core.
As these nights keep hidden in its gloom
the petition for light, even thus in the depth
of my unconsciousness rings the cry -
I want thee, only thee.
As the storm still seeks its end in peace
when it strikes against peace with all its might,
even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love
and still its cry is - I want thee, only thee.
Gitanjali by Rabindranath Tagore.
Trouble period ahead!!
Hmmm ... I always wonder am I a bad person or is it just that I can not do things properly? The girl I loved seems to be back with a vengence!! I wonder why I have to go through this crap every time ... for no fault of mine ... or is it my fault that I love her so much and care for her beyond anything else in this world. I don’t know - I guess I am one of those people who don’t know how to handle emotions and women. When am I going to learn?
I am not pitying myself ... am just feeling sorry that I am too good for the people I love or is it that I am not good enough that every time I fall for someone they would hurt me and leave ... making me think that I am of not good enough for them. Am I really that bad? Somehow I know that is not the case ... maybe it is because I love and care for them so much that they can not bear the fact that someone loves them so much and are so scared to accept the fact because they are afraid that I may stop loving them after a while. I don’t know ... I wish I was Mr. Know-all but then I guess the fun of life would be lost.
I read a one liner today ... "Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?". I wonder will I say that it was worth living this life at end of it? If I can say that life's been wonderful and given a chance, if I chose to live again, then I would say my life has been worth it. I hope I won’t feel that I am wasting my life on something meaningless.
Why are people so afraid of love? Why do they run away from someone who loves and cares for them beyond anything in the world? When they know that we would die for them? I don’t know ... I guess I will never find out now. I am kind of tired now ... I still believe in love ... it is just that I don’t believe in women any more or rather the fact that they can love too ... I guess I am getting too old and cynical!
Well, for those randomly reading this page and wondering what the heck is this person blabbering on about and for the record ... I have done stupid thing. I spoke to my ex ... may that is not the correct word for it. I loved her and was led to believe that she loves me (maybe I should say it is possible that I led myself to believe that) and then she gets engaged to a guy that her dad wants her to marry. I don’t know what to call such a person ... so I am calling her ex. I happened to break the sacred oath of not speaking to exs' and that is the root cause of the problem. For this unspeakable crime that I committed, I am now unable to get on with my life ... I just don’t want things to be this way ... I lose control of it when I am not able to do anything about it ... She calls me and tells me something like that she does not like the way things are happening in her life and that she does not want to marry the person she is engaged to. I am the one who to has to convince her that things are alright and that she has to marry him and blah blah blah ... I want to kill myself ... she said she thought she could live with this but now she realizes that she is not able to ... on top of it she adds that she is not sure of what she wants. What am I supposed to tell her?
So I ended up giving her a prep talk about what she is supposed to and how good things are in her life and so on ... and all the while I could think of and feel is my love for her and how much I wanted to be with her ... hold her hand ... kiss her ... hug her ... what stupid idiot I am!
I read once in a short story, which happened to be a lesson for us in the high school, "Love is the privilege of the rich not the profession of the poor" ... how true it is. I hope to god and pray with all I have left in me that I never fall in love again.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
One of my favourite songs from a favourite movie
May be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day
She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell
She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die
She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years
Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She
She, oh she
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Life ... a never ending journey!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Love!
At the same time it is not so bad. When you are love it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. You would not be intimidated by anything in life and everything can be achieved – nothing is impossible at that time. You would ready to anything for your sweetheart. Nothing is too much to do for the beloved. Then why is it that many people break up, many people who love each other don’t get married, and married people divorce each other? Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
Something that gives me courage and strength
Though it is based on a person's character, I think that this tells us how a person should behave in most of the situations that life brings us across. It teaches a lot about life and how we can be face it. It always gives me strength - whenever I am in pain or sorrow, I think about this and these lines give me the strength need to go on living and with pride!
IF
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools.
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
-- Rudyard Kipling